Contemplations of an Overachiever.

I told Justin the other day that I wanted to be chief resident when I am in my last year of residency. He chuckled softly, and when I inquired, he said, "I only wonder when you will finally be able to smile and say, 'I've done enough.'"

This got me to thinking about my public service. I had nine pages of work and volunteer experience on my residency application, when most people in med school have three (so say my interviewers, anyway). And I've worked in public service work I've submitted my ERAS, just because I wanted to, knowing it wouldn't go on a resume.

Something I'm frequently asked on the interview trail: Why do I do it? It's an odd question, and I never really know how to respond. I think that as a future physician, we have the responsibility to our community. It is a blessing to have made it this far in the education process, and I feel obligated to give back to my community to make my education worthwhile.

It's a long hard road, and you change along the way. The literature shows that medical students become less idealistic and empathetic as they progress through their schooling -- my dean said the other day that it is documented that war and medical school are the two life paths that have been shown to change individuals for life. We had a lecture on stress in second year that made the same claim -- that medical students would be ideal military recruits because of their newly developed tolerance to stress, for better or for worse. Sounds rather extreme, and I don't know the measures they used to determine this. I must admit, I'd rather not know and just roll my eyes at what sounds like hyperbole.

But this does beg the question: When will I feel like I've done enough? Will I ever feel that way? I always feel like there is something more I could do, something more I could learn. And the truth is, I will never learn everything. I will never be able to participate in everything. I will never be able to help or save everyone.

There are days when I am tired. Days when I would rather not get out of bed, or simply sit on a couch all day and watch movies or TV shows. But when I give back to the community, I feel like I am accomplishing something, even with the little knowledge I have now. Perhaps I do it for selfish reasons? Because I like the way I feel. And because it needs to and should be done.

I must admit, though...I still would like to be chief resident. But we'll see.