I've been sitting, waiting, wishing...

Kudos to those individuals who know the music artist to which this title references.

As most of you have already figured out, I have submitted a rank list. And in fact, I will find out where I have matched on Match Day, which is exactly one week from today. Forgive me for not posting my rank list online -- if you would like to know, please feel free to call me, where I could explain ad nauseum the reasons I made the decision I made, and, also, my regrets.

The last few weeks have inched by. The minutes have been creeping ever since the rank list was submitted. And in this time of waiting, I have thought of how my life would have been so different, depending on my specialty.

The life of a surgeon, while tempting, was ultimately not the life I would choose for myself. It is a powerful feeling, knowing that you cut people open and (hopefully) fix them. I am sure a time will come in medicine where the concept of the types of surgeries we do today will sound barbaric, but nonetheless, it is an intoxicating feeling to be a surgeon. I could have done it, and I would have been good at it. But I would be afraid that I would have become impatient, perhaps even callous, with the stereotypical annoyance at other specialties. I want to spend time with my patients. And, as my time on neurosurgery is reminding me, surgery is not that specialty. (With the possible exception of ENT. *winks*)

The life of a pediatric hematologist/oncologist, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. They devote themselves to their patients, almost to the extreme. It is the field that most drew me, outside of child psych. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the doctor that patients and their families trusted to help them, and I wanted to grieve with them when I couldn't. But many hematologists and oncologists exist in this world. The child psychiatrists are few, and just as needed. It is not as flashy, perhaps. But I believe it will be just as rewarding.

I see myself as a family practice physician, as med/peds, as medicine or pediatrics alone. I see my life as a neurologist, and I see my life as a physiatrist (physical medicine and rehabilitation). I see my life as a geriatrician, or as a gynecologist, or as a plastic surgeon. I see myself in all of the fields of medicine, and sometimes, the lives of those not in medicine. They are all appealing, in their own ways. I remember my first day on medicine wards, the first day of my third year of medical school. I remember the sigh of relief, when I realized I could become an internist, and I would be happy. It was a huge relief, that the previous two years had not been in vain. I was so scared that I wouldn't like medicine. But I had the opposite experience in a lot of ways. I liked it all. (Well, except obstetrics.) I had more trouble deciding what I wanted to do, because I saw myself fitting into each path. And I realized that each path would change me, affect me differently. My ultimate decision came down to, what kind of person did I want to be? How did I want to be there for my patients?

There are days that I grieve for the paths I didn't take. I hope and pray that I made the right decision. But when it came right down to it...it was the only one I could have made.